Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Hitlers gonna hitl
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff