Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
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“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
We have a winner.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.