I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
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I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Muppet Screams
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.