*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
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The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT