my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
me irl
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Just parrot things
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?