If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
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Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
こいつ天才
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Autocorrect completely socks
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.