*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.