I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I think about this a lot
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch