That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
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I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Meow
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”