Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…