[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
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Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Weirdly Wednesday.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out