I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.