It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
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KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Breaking news:
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
The three genders.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
He’s dead