me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑