I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
You Might Also Like
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.