Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
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Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”