It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
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9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Investing in beetcoin
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”