She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
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Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy