I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later