Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
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i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
reminder
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
I have obtained a hat