[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
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Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
this is the best interaction on twitter
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
You deplete me
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.