most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
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Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.