Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time