Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
When they try to steal your moment.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp