me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
RT if you could go either way.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.