The Punning Dead.
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I am HOWLING at this
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.