me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
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Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
When your man makes a valid point
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
WTF
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?