It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
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If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
what the
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
They grow up so quick
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.