my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
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PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.