[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither