Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.