My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
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FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah