Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
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[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk