The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
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What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
OH. COME. ON.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.