me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
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A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
#gardening
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Optional boss fight.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax