2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Awwwww shit.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital