Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
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I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal