I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
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“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.