The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
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as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
the three branches of government
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Jail
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.