My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
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my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them