I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
You Might Also Like
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.