A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
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If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
You had me at “define legal”.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*