Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
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[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
incredible book dedication
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.