the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
You Might Also Like
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother