Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
You Might Also Like
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
A sick whale is called an unwhale
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?