I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
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[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?