I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
You Might Also Like
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.