*seductively winces due to lower back pain
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A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
My plans: 2020:
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
The pen is writier than the sword.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.