There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
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“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*