HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
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Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Rambo Rambow
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.